What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 11:53
But it wasn’t much.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Can a twin flame runner be happy in a karmic relationship?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She found it foreign!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
How long would you let a homeless friend stay at your house?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
What will the legacy of Jimmy Carter be in light of his death today at 100?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
How can we become the best humans? How can we trust each other?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It was going to be , some day.
Are there any penalties for bestiality in the USA and laws prohibiting it?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What melts your heart every time without fail?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I think the readers, may guess!
Comes on , in middle age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She loved him until the end.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was scared of men, in general
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ive learnt so much.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She was in good health!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
All the time i was locked up.
She wouldn,t have been !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Put me off passion for life!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But, we were locked up after school.
I have no regrets .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We all went to grammer schools
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
(And it was in our own minds.)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I don,t even have a pension.
What did i know ?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One cannot live in the past .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was 9 years of age.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When she asked me how she looked .
She married twice! .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
My life is so biszare .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He knew the spot.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i do to all so called friends.?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I said to her
We were not on the streets..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My family never makes their pension either.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I waited trembling.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Was to survive, this bastard.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So whats the point in blame.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So, i spoilt her more .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was seconnd youngest,
Im still living with it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Would this be the day?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And i lived it daily.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was very sick at this time too.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Who then, do I blame.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..